What follows?

I imagined my life after I got saved to be something, well something more sweet, painless, or smooth. To my amazement I have found that the Christian walk is tough. Hands down. Everyday I deal with choices, choices of today and choices of yesterday. Reaping of past disobediences can be HEARTBREAKING, and trying to make good decisions in today and following God's will can be sometimes overwhelming but..........................Grace abounds. I believe He has an awesome plan for me. I want to believe that He has my life, my marriage, my daughter in His hands. It is so hard sometimes to just believe. It's as if THAT, is the battle....the "good fight of faith". I know God has recovered me, and redeemed me....so why does it feel like I am still paying for my stupid decisions? My mom recites the scripture..."It rains on the just and unjust"...but something inside me says "No!" I don't want to settle for that.... am I being disobedient? does God allow me to suffer to learn a lesson? I want so many things for myself now, my family, my daughter..... but I spent years yearning for nothing, just roaming this earth, dead. Am I reaping from those times? Or is it oppression, depression, frustration? I have faith hope and love for goodness in my life, I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Please Lord, Heal my heart and renew my mind.....give me your strength to see your will in everything that I need to. Give me patience, love, kindness, and long-suffering.